Random thoughts from yesterday:
Those of us that are Christians are claimed by Christ and have given ourselves over to Him. I absolutely 100% believe that He is all I need, but yet there are periods of my life that I come up empty. Empty even when life is really going quite well, and as I look around I find nothing but love and support, health and wealth around me. Why then do I feel empty?! I'm blessed! I'm healthy! I'm loved! Empty? There is no place for you here empty -- but yet here you sit.
From the sermon yesterday at Hope Ankeny, I learned that what we need to fill up are God's Love, Grace from Jesus, and the Power of the Holy Spirit. Yep. I believe that. Nicely said, Pastor Scott. But how do I do that in the midst of feeling empty? How do I feel God's love? Where does the grace of Jesus come from -- it's kind of abstract. And the Holy Spirit, well, I'd like to tap into that power ... where's the spigot?
When we do fill up, the next step is to pour out our overflowing wonderfulness to others. Don't just keep blessing the blessed, but find someone in real need of your effervescence. I'm currently in a "pouring out" phase. I'm filled up. I'm blessed (more than I deserve) and want to share those blessings with others. But I've been in the empty spot before ... not too long ago.
I've created an ever fluent circle*: being empty -- filling up -- pouring out. Where are you today?
*sorry, I don't do graphics, except in my head. bummer.
And more so, when you are empty how do even begin to get the ball rolling to fill up?
When you are filling up -- what are you doing?
When pouring out, how do you choose where to pour??
These are the questions I'm reflecting on today.
Monday, April 22
I'm Not Worthy!
Unlike family, friendships are something that come of circumstance. Where you live, what school you go to, the church you attend, or possibly a chance meeting. Some of us have friends that date back to early childhood. Their parents were best friends, so they grew up together. Grade school always creates opportunities for lasting friendships. College brings another new set. Then after that ... well, there is a state of transition.
As I've matured into my new self - some friendships have held fast while others have dwindled away. Webster defines friend as "one attached to another by affection or esteem." I have had great affection for many people in my life, but not all have attached. This word attached creates a new level of commitment to said person. And although I still have numerous lovely people in my life, only a few remain or are attached to me as friends.
This weekend I had three incredible opportunities to spend time with friends - people I'm attached to by affection. And these friends -- man, I am not worthy. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by such warm, loving, genuine, real women. They aren't perfect. And neither am I. But they accept me as I am, flaws and all! And I them. I can open up. I can stay quiet. I can share from my heart. I can be moved by what's inside theirs. They hold me accountable, they inspire me, they may even frustrate the hell out of me!
I have mourned the loss of past friendships and wonder if I should try to revive them. But I'm realizing that life is too hectic and short to try to make a friendship work that just might not be a good fit. It should be organic, right? When you connect to a person (because of similar personalities, likes, values, etc) -- it just fits. And as we change in our lives -- we change in our friendships. The friends that I signed "Friends Forever" senior year of High School I haven't seen since the day we left town. Those that I was best friends with in college, I'm not even connected to on Facebook!
Does that mean I'm a bad friend? Hopefully not. Did I do something wrong to offend them? Not that I'm aware of. No. Life is ever changing and so are our friendships. Some stick it through. Some don't. My weekend consisted of a friend of 18 years, and a friend of only 2 years. Will both be in my life 10 years from now? I hope so. But I don't know so.
And instead of carrying guilt of friendships lost, I'm going to embrace the friendships of today. The ones currently in my life that I'm attached to and completely blessed to have. These women are shaping who I am today, inspiring me to grow to a better self, and having fun all the while. What more can you ask for from a friend?
*these photos include 3 friends, but exclude some others. Need more photos of my fave girls!
As I've matured into my new self - some friendships have held fast while others have dwindled away. Webster defines friend as "one attached to another by affection or esteem." I have had great affection for many people in my life, but not all have attached. This word attached creates a new level of commitment to said person. And although I still have numerous lovely people in my life, only a few remain or are attached to me as friends.
This weekend I had three incredible opportunities to spend time with friends - people I'm attached to by affection. And these friends -- man, I am not worthy. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by such warm, loving, genuine, real women. They aren't perfect. And neither am I. But they accept me as I am, flaws and all! And I them. I can open up. I can stay quiet. I can share from my heart. I can be moved by what's inside theirs. They hold me accountable, they inspire me, they may even frustrate the hell out of me!
I have mourned the loss of past friendships and wonder if I should try to revive them. But I'm realizing that life is too hectic and short to try to make a friendship work that just might not be a good fit. It should be organic, right? When you connect to a person (because of similar personalities, likes, values, etc) -- it just fits. And as we change in our lives -- we change in our friendships. The friends that I signed "Friends Forever" senior year of High School I haven't seen since the day we left town. Those that I was best friends with in college, I'm not even connected to on Facebook!
Does that mean I'm a bad friend? Hopefully not. Did I do something wrong to offend them? Not that I'm aware of. No. Life is ever changing and so are our friendships. Some stick it through. Some don't. My weekend consisted of a friend of 18 years, and a friend of only 2 years. Will both be in my life 10 years from now? I hope so. But I don't know so.
And instead of carrying guilt of friendships lost, I'm going to embrace the friendships of today. The ones currently in my life that I'm attached to and completely blessed to have. These women are shaping who I am today, inspiring me to grow to a better self, and having fun all the while. What more can you ask for from a friend?
*these photos include 3 friends, but exclude some others. Need more photos of my fave girls!
Saturday, April 13
The Fast
One of the greatest blessings in my life is my women's bible study and the dedicated women in that group. I started women's bible study for the first time about three years ago. How is it that I, a regular church goin', worship singin', Jesus lovin' girl like me had missed the boat on women's bible study for so many years?
Billy and I had been part of groups and classes together, one of which being Alpha that we were dedicated to before we opened B Fabulous BBQ. And we miss it desperately! But with all the motherhood stuff I was doing -- I failed to make time for a group just for myself.
Around that time, I was feeling a lot of guilt about not liking my kids. I literally had counted the years until they would all be gone, how old I'd be at that time, and how I'd possibly survive until then. I encountered many older women that said, "Oh, how fast it goes! Cherish this time." Cherish? Lady, I'd just like a moment to have a clear thought!
Then my friend, Cheryl, called me up and said, "I think God is calling me to facilitate a group here in town and start with a study on motherhood. What do you think?" I immediately encouraged her with a resounding, "YES! I don't like my kids and I want that to change!" I haven't missed a study yet! And when I have to miss a night (which is ONLY when I'm out of town!) or when we take a break between studies, I feel like part of my life is missing. It's so hard to describe. I just miss it. A lot. And how do you miss something so much when it's never really been a part of your life?
Since then, I've fell in love with Beth Moore. Oh, if I could have an ounce of the love that that girl has for Jesus! I've dug deep with her into David, Esther, James, Luke and Daniel. All have been amazing and each time I find a new respect and love for the Bible. I've learned that I love the history in the Old Testament. And the challenge to live a life Jesus exemplifies in the New Testament.
In each study, there is a message that God places on my heart. In some way God uses either the author or the women that surround me to speak to me. And there are times when I am - or am not - willing to listen. During our study of Esther, I was really listening! These were some of the things I heard at that time. And they were very specific to me about home school.
The bottom line is that without my dedication to bible study and my women's small group - I would not have taken the time to really listen to what God wanted to teach me. What I would learn thorough prayer. What I would be challenged with by other women. Groups like this are essential to growth as a person and growth as a Christian. You are faced with your sin, but allowed to be flawed and forgiven.
Most recently, we were not studying this book, but it was referred to me by a comrade in our group. Thanks, Kristy! My heart was already in a spot that I was wanting to purge, live with less, and teach my children an important lesson on necessity. Ugh -- if I heard "I need ____!" one more time from my children! They need a swift kick in their spoiled butts! After seeing the title, 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess, I was hooked! I devoured the book and have fallen head over heels in love with Jen Hatmaker. (It's okay, it's just a crush. Beth won't be jealous.) She is the voice of the middle-class, Christian mom, but she's way more funny! And very real. (Since I ditched comparing myself to other women about a year ago -- I'll try not to regress.)
Normally, being the "let's go-dive right in" person that I am -- I was ready to recreate 7 immediately in my life and jump in without a thought, a plan, or a husband on board. Luckily, I'm much more mature than yesterday, and have decided to break out a notebook, jot down some notes and check in with my other half for his opinions (read: groundedness) .
One of my favorite parts that Jen writes about is the discipline of the fast. This is not a discipline that I've ever studied, experienced, or understood. It was one of the most enlightening parts of the book and why I feel so called to try this experiment in my own life. Jesus gave us examples of fasting. And if Jesus does it, by George, I'm going to also! This fast will bring me desperately close to Jesus as I take out distractions and focus more on living to glorify Him.
Special thanks to the work and commitment that Jen poured out to write 7. I won't be using her guide - but instead I'll create my own based on things that I (and my family) need to work on in our lives. I won't attempt to compare my writing abilities or thoroughness to 7. That book was written! This is my journey through the junk to become a person more like Jesus. Just as Jesus invited the first disciples to come and see -- I invite you to come along and see what Jesus has in store for you!
Billy and I had been part of groups and classes together, one of which being Alpha that we were dedicated to before we opened B Fabulous BBQ. And we miss it desperately! But with all the motherhood stuff I was doing -- I failed to make time for a group just for myself.
Around that time, I was feeling a lot of guilt about not liking my kids. I literally had counted the years until they would all be gone, how old I'd be at that time, and how I'd possibly survive until then. I encountered many older women that said, "Oh, how fast it goes! Cherish this time." Cherish? Lady, I'd just like a moment to have a clear thought!
Then my friend, Cheryl, called me up and said, "I think God is calling me to facilitate a group here in town and start with a study on motherhood. What do you think?" I immediately encouraged her with a resounding, "YES! I don't like my kids and I want that to change!" I haven't missed a study yet! And when I have to miss a night (which is ONLY when I'm out of town!) or when we take a break between studies, I feel like part of my life is missing. It's so hard to describe. I just miss it. A lot. And how do you miss something so much when it's never really been a part of your life?
Since then, I've fell in love with Beth Moore. Oh, if I could have an ounce of the love that that girl has for Jesus! I've dug deep with her into David, Esther, James, Luke and Daniel. All have been amazing and each time I find a new respect and love for the Bible. I've learned that I love the history in the Old Testament. And the challenge to live a life Jesus exemplifies in the New Testament.
In each study, there is a message that God places on my heart. In some way God uses either the author or the women that surround me to speak to me. And there are times when I am - or am not - willing to listen. During our study of Esther, I was really listening! These were some of the things I heard at that time. And they were very specific to me about home school.
The bottom line is that without my dedication to bible study and my women's small group - I would not have taken the time to really listen to what God wanted to teach me. What I would learn thorough prayer. What I would be challenged with by other women. Groups like this are essential to growth as a person and growth as a Christian. You are faced with your sin, but allowed to be flawed and forgiven.
Most recently, we were not studying this book, but it was referred to me by a comrade in our group. Thanks, Kristy! My heart was already in a spot that I was wanting to purge, live with less, and teach my children an important lesson on necessity. Ugh -- if I heard "I need ____!" one more time from my children! They need a swift kick in their spoiled butts! After seeing the title, 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess, I was hooked! I devoured the book and have fallen head over heels in love with Jen Hatmaker. (It's okay, it's just a crush. Beth won't be jealous.) She is the voice of the middle-class, Christian mom, but she's way more funny! And very real. (Since I ditched comparing myself to other women about a year ago -- I'll try not to regress.)
Normally, being the "let's go-dive right in" person that I am -- I was ready to recreate 7 immediately in my life and jump in without a thought, a plan, or a husband on board. Luckily, I'm much more mature than yesterday, and have decided to break out a notebook, jot down some notes and check in with my other half for his opinions (read: groundedness) .
One of my favorite parts that Jen writes about is the discipline of the fast. This is not a discipline that I've ever studied, experienced, or understood. It was one of the most enlightening parts of the book and why I feel so called to try this experiment in my own life. Jesus gave us examples of fasting. And if Jesus does it, by George, I'm going to also! This fast will bring me desperately close to Jesus as I take out distractions and focus more on living to glorify Him.
Special thanks to the work and commitment that Jen poured out to write 7. I won't be using her guide - but instead I'll create my own based on things that I (and my family) need to work on in our lives. I won't attempt to compare my writing abilities or thoroughness to 7. That book was written! This is my journey through the junk to become a person more like Jesus. Just as Jesus invited the first disciples to come and see -- I invite you to come along and see what Jesus has in store for you!
Hey, what happened to that Home School thing?!
A year ago at this time, I was hard bent on wanting to home school my children. I felt the call from God and the ache in my heart that this was something I had to give a try! Was I scared? Yes! Was I crazy? Yes! I didn't even like my children, let alone could I even dream of being with them all day. I was more comfortable in a room full of adults teaching them a recipe than I was sitting on the floor playing a game with my kids. This was a call I did NOT feel cut out for.
So why was God calling me to home school? And why was I so willing to change my current course to take it on? Because I love families that home school! I have a bit of jealousy deep in me as I see or read of mom's spending days with their kids, teaching them, and molding them into wonderful little beings with open minds and caring hearts. I wanted to be that mom! Billy and I both strongly aligned with the values of home school and even though we weren't sure how it would work in our lives, we were game (or at least I was and successfully sold him on it!) Now how does it work?!
I wasn't home schooled and I didn't grow up around home schooled families. (Bear with me as I run amok here...) I grew up in, what I would say, a typical middle class, small town, Christian home. Nothing extraordinary. We were ordinary in a loving, and very non-dysfunctional way. We went to church and were present in our small community. But our community was blessed. There weren't homeless living under bridges. The hungry were silent. Our community was 98% Caucasian and seeing someone outside our race only happened on TV. So -- did we go to them? Nope. There weren't mission trips to help the homeless. There weren't fundraisers or church led campaigns to help people adopt children from China or build wells in Africa. There was a grocery cart in the Fellowship Hall where we could drop in non-perishables. For who? We didn't ever see a face of the person we were helping. We were blessing the blessed that came to church on Sunday.
My parents were frugal and fairly strict about teaching us the difference between what we "wanted" and what we "needed." We learned the value of hard work and earning something. Those values were embedded deep as I painted fence, raked rocks, fed and watered animals, stemmed & broke gallons and gallons of green beans and mowed. And mowed. And mowed. Once I was old enough, add numerous part-time jobs alongside of school and every extracurricular activity that was possible! That was part of being in a small town.
But looking back --- all I see is me growing up in my own little world. Working hard for my keep on the family acreage. Being involved in school to hopefully keep me out of trouble (which didn't always succeed). Going to church on Sunday and memorizing my Catechism on Thursday evenings. What I lacked was inspiration. What I lacked was seeing how the rest of the world was living and what little me could be doing (or not doing) to affect those lives. I do remember sponsoring a child (like World Vision) once and had a picture of a little boy and I wrote a few letters and sent my monthly check. But I don't remember feeling like I needed to make any sort of sacrifices so that this child may receive more. I just gave (or maybe my mom gave) what was required and it didn't squeeze me out of my comfort zone one bit.
Now, with all do respect to my parents, I have no idea what our financial situation was "behind the scenes." They didn't discuss that with us. I just saw what we had and I heard "you can" or "you can not" have that. The lasting impression was "because you don't need it." Which is a good lesson! Many American children do not receive that lesson as parents give and buy and rarely say no!
I need to go a step further. I want my children to GIVE. Not just receive. I want their lasting impression for why mom & dad said "you can not" is laced with "because we give to those that have none." My son currently has 60 shirts hanging in his closet. 60! That means he could go 2 months without doing laundry to cover the top half of his body. And this is the kid that could care less about clothes. He'd be very content with 5 short sleeve and 5 long sleeve shirts. But yet --- he has 60! In my wallet's defense, many of them were given to us for free -- but why do I keep all of them! There are children in our greater metro area that need shirts. Why don't I part with 50 of mine and clothe 10 refugee children for a week?!
Back to home school (amok over!) -- I valued the idea of influencing my children on a day to day basis without having to compete with the societal pressures of fitting in, being smart enough, excelling at this sport, or having the right stuff. I wanted my children to see that what was most important was being surrounded by a loving family and giving to others your time, resources, and love. I didn't want to compete with all their friends with their iThings and name brand clothes (and my oldest is only 10!) I wanted (and still want) my children to become their own person without feeling like it was based on what those around them said/did/looked like. I'm an adult and I still have problems with these things!
It gets real here.
I was trying to hide my kids at home, so that I could be lazy when it came to dealing with the outside influences that would come into my home. I was trying to control! Okay, yes, I admit it. My desire to home school was all about me and my needing to control and probably not an act of surrender that I felt God was calling me to. Bleh. It just has weak sinner written all over it.
I worry. I fear.
I dread my kids becoming selfish and making poor choices like I did. And if I protect them here in my happy, safe place then I can control what was being put in front of them the better part of the day. I'm all powerful, in control, right?!
Ha! I tell you how much control I had. So much so that within a month of starting school, my oldest, Ellie and I were in knock down, drag out fights nearly every day. There was screaming. There was yelling. There was crying. Lots of crying -- from both of us. She was fed up with me. And I was at my wits end with her. And yet, I was in control, right? Instead, I was driving her away. She hated me. She hated school. And she thought I was the worst parent ever for taking her away from what she valued most: her friends. Here is my social kid that needs friends like she needs air - and I was keeping her away from them. Not because they were bad friends, but because I was worried they'd influence her in bad ways.
Fast forward to the present. Two of my children are back in public school full time. And even though it still tests my need for control on a daily basis, I am learning to let go of that worry and fear and be the best parent I can be when they are home. I am learning to be the parent I want to be without it being influenced by fear and control.
I'm looking forward to sending my nearly 6-year-old to 1st grade next year. She is smart and funny. She will make friends easily and she is strong enough in personality that she will be the influencer -- not influencee. My baby, Evelyn will probably be the hardest, but I get to wait another year for that one. More time for this mom to deal with her issues.
So that calling that God was pressing on my soul last year? It's still there. Big time. He has a plan. And this post today begins my journey to figure that out. Writing helps me think and sort. And I hope it helps someone else search the depths of their yuckiness to find something holy. God calls us to a life wrapped in His arms. And he sent Jesus to show us how to be the salt of the earth and the light to the darkness. This is what God wants for me. I want what He wants for me and not because then I'll receive something from Him, but because it brings glory to Him.
So why was God calling me to home school? And why was I so willing to change my current course to take it on? Because I love families that home school! I have a bit of jealousy deep in me as I see or read of mom's spending days with their kids, teaching them, and molding them into wonderful little beings with open minds and caring hearts. I wanted to be that mom! Billy and I both strongly aligned with the values of home school and even though we weren't sure how it would work in our lives, we were game (or at least I was and successfully sold him on it!) Now how does it work?!
I wasn't home schooled and I didn't grow up around home schooled families. (Bear with me as I run amok here...) I grew up in, what I would say, a typical middle class, small town, Christian home. Nothing extraordinary. We were ordinary in a loving, and very non-dysfunctional way. We went to church and were present in our small community. But our community was blessed. There weren't homeless living under bridges. The hungry were silent. Our community was 98% Caucasian and seeing someone outside our race only happened on TV. So -- did we go to them? Nope. There weren't mission trips to help the homeless. There weren't fundraisers or church led campaigns to help people adopt children from China or build wells in Africa. There was a grocery cart in the Fellowship Hall where we could drop in non-perishables. For who? We didn't ever see a face of the person we were helping. We were blessing the blessed that came to church on Sunday.
My parents were frugal and fairly strict about teaching us the difference between what we "wanted" and what we "needed." We learned the value of hard work and earning something. Those values were embedded deep as I painted fence, raked rocks, fed and watered animals, stemmed & broke gallons and gallons of green beans and mowed. And mowed. And mowed. Once I was old enough, add numerous part-time jobs alongside of school and every extracurricular activity that was possible! That was part of being in a small town.
But looking back --- all I see is me growing up in my own little world. Working hard for my keep on the family acreage. Being involved in school to hopefully keep me out of trouble (which didn't always succeed). Going to church on Sunday and memorizing my Catechism on Thursday evenings. What I lacked was inspiration. What I lacked was seeing how the rest of the world was living and what little me could be doing (or not doing) to affect those lives. I do remember sponsoring a child (like World Vision) once and had a picture of a little boy and I wrote a few letters and sent my monthly check. But I don't remember feeling like I needed to make any sort of sacrifices so that this child may receive more. I just gave (or maybe my mom gave) what was required and it didn't squeeze me out of my comfort zone one bit.
Now, with all do respect to my parents, I have no idea what our financial situation was "behind the scenes." They didn't discuss that with us. I just saw what we had and I heard "you can" or "you can not" have that. The lasting impression was "because you don't need it." Which is a good lesson! Many American children do not receive that lesson as parents give and buy and rarely say no!
I need to go a step further. I want my children to GIVE. Not just receive. I want their lasting impression for why mom & dad said "you can not" is laced with "because we give to those that have none." My son currently has 60 shirts hanging in his closet. 60! That means he could go 2 months without doing laundry to cover the top half of his body. And this is the kid that could care less about clothes. He'd be very content with 5 short sleeve and 5 long sleeve shirts. But yet --- he has 60! In my wallet's defense, many of them were given to us for free -- but why do I keep all of them! There are children in our greater metro area that need shirts. Why don't I part with 50 of mine and clothe 10 refugee children for a week?!
Back to home school (amok over!) -- I valued the idea of influencing my children on a day to day basis without having to compete with the societal pressures of fitting in, being smart enough, excelling at this sport, or having the right stuff. I wanted my children to see that what was most important was being surrounded by a loving family and giving to others your time, resources, and love. I didn't want to compete with all their friends with their iThings and name brand clothes (and my oldest is only 10!) I wanted (and still want) my children to become their own person without feeling like it was based on what those around them said/did/looked like. I'm an adult and I still have problems with these things!
It gets real here.
I was trying to hide my kids at home, so that I could be lazy when it came to dealing with the outside influences that would come into my home. I was trying to control! Okay, yes, I admit it. My desire to home school was all about me and my needing to control and probably not an act of surrender that I felt God was calling me to. Bleh. It just has weak sinner written all over it.
I worry. I fear.
I dread my kids becoming selfish and making poor choices like I did. And if I protect them here in my happy, safe place then I can control what was being put in front of them the better part of the day. I'm all powerful, in control, right?!
Ha! I tell you how much control I had. So much so that within a month of starting school, my oldest, Ellie and I were in knock down, drag out fights nearly every day. There was screaming. There was yelling. There was crying. Lots of crying -- from both of us. She was fed up with me. And I was at my wits end with her. And yet, I was in control, right? Instead, I was driving her away. She hated me. She hated school. And she thought I was the worst parent ever for taking her away from what she valued most: her friends. Here is my social kid that needs friends like she needs air - and I was keeping her away from them. Not because they were bad friends, but because I was worried they'd influence her in bad ways.
Fast forward to the present. Two of my children are back in public school full time. And even though it still tests my need for control on a daily basis, I am learning to let go of that worry and fear and be the best parent I can be when they are home. I am learning to be the parent I want to be without it being influenced by fear and control.
I'm looking forward to sending my nearly 6-year-old to 1st grade next year. She is smart and funny. She will make friends easily and she is strong enough in personality that she will be the influencer -- not influencee. My baby, Evelyn will probably be the hardest, but I get to wait another year for that one. More time for this mom to deal with her issues.
So that calling that God was pressing on my soul last year? It's still there. Big time. He has a plan. And this post today begins my journey to figure that out. Writing helps me think and sort. And I hope it helps someone else search the depths of their yuckiness to find something holy. God calls us to a life wrapped in His arms. And he sent Jesus to show us how to be the salt of the earth and the light to the darkness. This is what God wants for me. I want what He wants for me and not because then I'll receive something from Him, but because it brings glory to Him.
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