Hey, what happened to that Home School thing?!

A year ago at this time, I was hard bent on wanting to home school my children.  I felt the call from God and the ache in my heart that this was something I had to give a try!  Was I scared?  Yes!  Was I crazy?  Yes!  I didn't even like my children, let alone could I even dream of being with them all day.  I was more comfortable in a room full of adults teaching them a recipe than I was sitting on the floor playing a game with my kids.  This was a call I did NOT feel cut out for.

So why was God calling me to home school?  And why was I so willing to change my current course to take it on?  Because I love families that home school!  I have a bit of jealousy deep in me as I see or read of mom's spending days with their kids, teaching them, and molding them into wonderful little beings with open minds and caring hearts.  I wanted to be that mom!  Billy and I both strongly aligned with the values of home school and even though we weren't sure how it would work in our lives, we were game (or at least I was and successfully sold him on it!)  Now how does it work?!

I wasn't home schooled and I didn't grow up around home schooled families. (Bear with me as I run amok here...)  I grew up in, what I would say, a typical middle class, small town, Christian home.  Nothing extraordinary.  We were ordinary in a loving, and very non-dysfunctional way.  We went to church and were present in our small community.  But our community was blessed.  There weren't homeless living under bridges.  The hungry were silent.  Our community was 98% Caucasian and seeing someone outside our race only happened on TV.  So -- did we go to them?  Nope.  There weren't mission trips to help the homeless.  There weren't fundraisers or church led campaigns to help people adopt children from China or build wells in Africa.  There was a grocery cart in the Fellowship Hall where we could drop in non-perishables.  For who?  We didn't ever see a face of the person we were helping.  We were blessing the blessed that came to church on Sunday.

My parents were frugal and fairly strict about teaching us the difference between what we "wanted" and what we "needed."  We learned the value of hard work and earning something.  Those values were embedded deep as I painted fence, raked rocks, fed and watered animals, stemmed & broke gallons and gallons of green beans and mowed.  And mowed.  And mowed.  Once I was old enough, add numerous part-time jobs alongside of school and every extracurricular activity that was possible!  That was part of being in a small town.

But looking back --- all I see is me growing up in my own little world.  Working hard for my keep on the family acreage.  Being involved in school to hopefully keep me out of trouble (which didn't always succeed). Going to church on Sunday and memorizing my Catechism on Thursday evenings.  What I lacked was inspiration.  What I lacked was seeing how the rest of the world was living and what little me could be doing (or not doing) to affect those lives.  I do remember sponsoring a child (like World Vision) once and had a picture of a little boy and I wrote a few letters and sent my monthly check.  But I don't remember feeling like I needed to make any sort of sacrifices so that this child may receive more.  I just gave (or maybe my mom gave) what was required and it didn't squeeze me out of my comfort zone one bit.

Now, with all do respect to my parents, I have no idea what our financial situation was "behind the scenes."  They didn't discuss that with us.  I just saw what we had and I heard "you can" or "you can not" have that.  The lasting impression was "because you don't need it."  Which is a good lesson!  Many American children do not receive that lesson as parents give and buy and rarely say no!

I need to go a step further.  I want my children to GIVE.  Not just receive.  I want their lasting impression for why mom & dad said "you can not" is laced with "because we give to those that have none."  My son currently has 60 shirts hanging in his closet.  60!  That means he could go 2 months without doing laundry to cover the top half of his body.  And this is the kid that could care less about clothes.  He'd be very content with 5 short sleeve and 5 long sleeve shirts.  But yet --- he has 60!  In my wallet's defense, many of them were given to us for free -- but why do I keep all of them!  There are children in our greater metro area that need shirts.  Why don't I part with 50 of mine and clothe 10 refugee children for a week?!

Back to home school (amok over!) -- I valued the idea of influencing my children on a day to day basis without having to compete with the societal pressures of fitting in, being smart enough, excelling at this sport, or having the right stuff.  I wanted my children to see that what was most important was being surrounded by a loving family and giving to others your time, resources, and love.  I didn't want to compete with all their friends with their iThings and name brand clothes (and my oldest is only 10!)  I wanted (and still want) my children to become their own person without feeling like it was based on what those around them said/did/looked like.  I'm an adult and I still have problems with these things!

It gets real here.

I was trying to hide my kids at home, so that I could be lazy when it came to dealing with the outside influences that would come into my home.  I was trying to control!  Okay, yes, I admit it.  My desire to home school was all about me and my needing to control and probably not an act of surrender that I felt God was calling me to.  Bleh.  It just has weak sinner written all over it.

I worry.  I fear.

I dread my kids becoming selfish and making poor choices like I did.  And if I protect them here in my happy, safe place then I can control what was being put in front of them the better part of the day.  I'm all powerful, in control, right?!

Ha!  I tell you how much control I had.  So much so that within a month of starting school, my oldest, Ellie and I were in knock down, drag out fights nearly every day.  There was screaming.  There was yelling.  There was crying.  Lots of crying -- from both of us.  She was fed up with me.  And I was at my wits end with her.  And yet, I was in control, right?  Instead, I was driving her away.  She hated me. She hated school.  And she thought I was the worst parent ever for taking her away from what she valued most:  her friends.  Here is my social kid that needs friends like she needs air - and I was keeping her away from them.  Not because they were bad friends, but because I was worried they'd influence her in bad ways.

Fast forward to the present.  Two of my children are back in public school full time.  And even though it still tests my need for control on a daily basis, I am learning to let go of that worry and fear and be the best parent I can be when they are home.  I am learning to be the parent I want to be without it being influenced by fear and control.

I'm looking forward to sending my nearly 6-year-old to 1st grade next year.  She is smart and funny.  She will make friends easily and she is strong enough in personality that she will be the influencer -- not influencee.  My baby, Evelyn will probably be the hardest, but I get to wait another year for that one.  More time for this mom to deal with her issues.

So that calling that God was pressing on my soul last year?  It's still there. Big time.  He has a plan.  And this post today begins my journey to figure that out.  Writing helps me think and sort.  And I hope it helps someone else search the depths of their yuckiness to find something holy.  God calls us to a life wrapped in His arms.  And he sent Jesus to show us how to be the salt of the earth and the light to the darkness.  This is what God wants for me.  I want what He wants for me and not because then I'll receive something from Him, but because it brings glory to Him.